When informing my family and friends of my pregnancy, "Oh my gosh, congratulations!" is usually followed by the question, "are you excited?" Although I have no hard feelings for the question, it does often make me stop and wonder, "is there something wrong with me if I'm not excited?"
Don't get me wrong. This was a desired pregnancy. We have been hoping for it. I am very excited to meet and grow alongside the child that is expected to join our family in October. Nonetheless, I would be lying if I said that being pregnant has been a pleasant experience thus far. In short, I’m excited for the imminent baby, but it’s been quite difficult to be excited about being pregnant itself.
As of the last week of April 2021, I am in my 16th week of pregnancy. But this is not my first. A year and a half ago, I experienced a pregnancy that had to be ended at the 10th week because the embryo didn't have a heartbeat. I’ll write more about that first pregnancy and our journey to this pregnancy in a future article.
Both my previous and current pregnancies started with extreme nausea, fatigue, and an overall sense of malaise that I had never experienced before. So much so that both times, I immediately knew I was pregnant even before urinating on a home pregnancy test.
Usually, I like to think of myself as having quite a bit of tolerance to pain and discomfort. Those of us with painful menstruation can probably relate (although I don't condone the culture of normalizing period pain). But the pain and discomfort I experienced during my first two months of pregnancy was of a gravity that I would never wish upon anyone else.
I had a constant need to vomit, but couldn’t most of the time. How I wished I could just get it all out and feel relief, but no, my body would not allow that. I just continued to feel nauseous and occasionally dry heave.
I was constantly fatigued and tired, which was exasperated by the fact that I struggled to sleep at night due to all of my symptoms. In addition, my body felt heavy, as though I had run a marathon the day before. I often experienced severe acid reflux and painful bloating after meals, even though we were careful in choosing fiber-rich, pregnancy-friendly foods.
The weirdest symptoms of all, in my opinion, were my changes in taste and smell. I had (and still do on occasion) a constant, unpleasant, bittersweet taste in my mouth which caused many foods to taste disgusting. The smell of many warm foods that had previously been my favorites, especially red meats, mapo tofu, and even rice, made me gag. I also had problems salivating, making digestion difficult and slowing down my already difficult eating process.
During my first pregnancy, I developed such a strong aversion to smells that I had to wear a mask everywhere I went, even to bed. The worst smell, I hate to admit, was my partner, Jon, who prior to pregnancy was well known for having very little body odor. But I couldn't even stand walking into the same room as him during that period of time. Everything about him smelled repulsive. I am grateful that Jon was always supportive and never made me feel bad about any of my symptoms, even when it concerned him so personally.
The common explanation that doctors will tell you is that it is a result of our bodies being affected by the hormonal changes that accompany pregnancy. My body is housing, growing, and preparing for the birth of another cellular life form after all.
But that explanation has never been enough to ease the injustice I feel that pregnancy must be accompanied by such torture.
Of course, just as every body is different, every pregnancy is different. Some pregnancies have very little symptoms. Some have much worse. My own mother experienced nausea, fatigue, and vomiting for all 9 months of all four of her pregnancies. Her symptoms were so bad that her first pregnancy with my older brother sent her to the hospital multiple times to receive nutrients via IV, and in one instance, to treat a bacterial infection that had resulted from her declined immune function.
Thinking about our future baby is fun. I imagine how we will get to know each other, grow as a family, and experience life together. I enjoy learning about the body changes accompanied with pregnancy and how a fetus develops. I am eagerly usurping all the information I can about labor, breastfeeding, parenting while working, and infant sleep.
Again, I am excited for the baby. But unfortunately, I am still not excited about being in a pregnant state. I do feel guilty at times since it is something that we had really wanted, but I have decided to give myself the permission to feel what I feel. My feelings are valid.
All I can hope is that the feeling of excitement will build as my pregnancy progresses and hopefully my symptoms continue to subside.
Comments