The Second Trimester Rule of Pregnancy reads like this: Thou shalt not disclose your pregnancy to anyone besides your immediate family and closest friends (if that, even) until you have passed your first trimester.
I’ll be honest. I didn’t even know this was an official phrase until five years ago when I first heard it from a friend. It seems to be more of an unspoken rule than an official one, but nonetheless, many pregnant individuals abide by it, and it has haunted me these past few years.
“Why?” you may ask. “Does it really matter?” Based on my Google and family and friend-based research, these seem to be the main reasons why this rule is so popular.
You’re not showing yet. Why tell others when you don’t “look” pregnant? Many pregnant individuals choose to wait and keep their pregnancy a treasured secret for a little longer until there are visible signs of pregnancy, such as growth in the abdominal area.
You’re not mentally ready yet. Regardless of if the pregnancy was desired or a surprise, it comes with a myriad of emotions. It’s a huge life change, no matter what you decide to do about it. Some pregnant individuals are not ready to make this big news public yet, even to their family or friends. Some are ready to tell close family and friends. Others will choose to keep it to themselves for as much of the pregnancy as possible.
Your symptoms will subside in the second trimester. Why tell people early when you feel awful? Many pregnant individuals choose to wait until they feel physically better so they can meet up with loved ones and celebrate (without alcoholic drinks, of course).
The reality of miscarriage. This one was probably the number one reason I would hear. An astounding 1 out of 8 medically-recorded pregnancies (and depending on the study, up to 15-25%) end in miscarriage. And there are so many more miscarriages that happen before the pregnancy is confirmed, as well as many fertilization events (when egg and sperm come together to make a zygote, or fertilized egg) that do not end in implantation (when the zygote attaches to the uterine wall, usually synonymous with pregnancy). This statistic can definitely be scary for pregnant individuals and their loved ones. Many choose to hold the intel to themselves or only tell immediate family and/or very close friends as a result until the likelihood of miscarriage decreases greatly, which is said to happen in the second trimester, after 13 weeks or so.
Despite this, for both of my pregnancies, I didn’t abide by the Second Trimester Rule at all. There were many reasons, including the fact that I wanted my pregnancy to be a learning tool and opportunity for discussion among my family, friends, and students (I am a high school science teacher). However, the greatest reason of all was that my symptoms were too severe. There was no physical way I was going to hide my pain and discomfort from anyone I was meeting in person.
The first time I got pregnant, I was bedridden for weeks 5 through 7. The nausea was unbearable. There was a baseline “I need to throw up now but I can’t” feeling all the time. Let me make it clear that by “all the time,” I mean 24/7.
On top of that, every smell, including food, water, animals, fragrances from lotions and toiletries, and even my husband’s very natural body odor exasperated the nausea. I felt nauseous and faint when I stood up. When I rolled over. When I opened my eyes.
The extreme nausea clouded my mind, prevented me from sleeping, and debilitated me in every way. Watching TV had to be completely passive, and reading for longer than a page at a time was out of the question. I needed help.
So I told everyone. My family. My colleagues. My students. As a high school teacher, my days of absence from work were affecting everyone around me, but if this pregnancy was going to continue, I could not do this alone or in secret.
After a couple weeks, the symptoms suddenly started to subside. I thought things were getting better. Maybe my hormones were calming down. So I started going back to work. I taught mostly from my desk, gave students group work, and had them bring their work to me instead of walking around the room and checking in with each of them as I would have in the past.
Then a week later, at my first ultrasound, I found out that the embryo in my uterus did not have a heartbeat. I had a dilation and curettage procedure (removes tissue from the uterus, including the embryo) a few weeks later to remove the embryo as it did not naturally dispel. And like that, my first pregnancy ended. I had a lot of feelings about this, but we will save the details for a future article.
The second time I got pregnant (my current pregnancy), I was more prepared. It happened to be during the COVID-19 pandemic, and I was teaching completely virtually from home. After I confirmed my pregnancy, I was given partial relief from my symptoms via over-the-counter medication recommended by my obstetrics team. Who knew a sleep-aid (brand name: Unisom; active ingredient: doxylamine succinate) and a vitamin B6 supplement could curb nausea to such a degree! My symptoms didn’t go down to zero, but they were manageable this time (more on this in a future article).
Still, I disclosed my pregnancy to most of my family, friends, and colleagues well before the second trimester mark. Why should I endure all of this on my own anyway? I wanted everyone to know. I needed everyone to be aware of what was happening. I needed people to understand why I was behaving differently and why I was absent often (for appointments or days/times with difficult symptoms). And I still needed their help and support; physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially.
This was a choice. But it was also a necessity for survival.
All this to say, to each their own. But I hope every person who is pregnant, planning a pregnancy, may become pregnant, or will be around someone that is pregnant knows that deciding to disclose a pregnancy is a highly individual and personal choice. There are lots of factors to consider; some are in our control and some are very not. We should all be empowered to do what is right for us and our situation, and we should be supported and affirmed for doing so.
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